FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
