It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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