Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
