the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
