the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
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