get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
