Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
