Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
