good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
