Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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