JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
even my farts smell like vagina
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
