I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
