shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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