I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
