I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
