It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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