I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
