Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
