I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
