shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
There's always time for handjobs
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
