I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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