Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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