she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
