Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
