When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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