Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
