I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
