I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
