Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
