im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
