I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i out mim tonsoeep
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
