Swine flu. Run for my life!
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
