Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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