did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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