if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You took a bar mat shot.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
