mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize
