There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
