I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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