Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
