Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
