dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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