Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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