I hope mine doesn't look like that
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
