I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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