Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
