I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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