We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Randomize
