do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
