If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I intend to get homeless drunk
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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