do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
