Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
