I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
