My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
